hold on

'Bout explains it all at this moment.

the accidental snapshot

This illness, disease or whatever I'm labeling it today, is my nemesis and my lover. It the shadow of my every emotion and the light of my every thought. It has changed me. No, it has revealed me.

I have been criticized for being "too nice" or giving "too much." Now, I cannot see how I could be "too" anything, for I have been holding myself back for so long. I worried if I let myself go I would empty myself and not have anything left to give. Or worse yet, that nobody would receive me. I waged an inner battle, pitting the guardian against the demon.

Now, I know I can pull magic out of the void.

I'd like to think of this illness as a metamorphosis. It is idealist of me, but so what if I suffer? It has not been in vain. I am seeing myself anew and I am thriving in some small way.

surviving 2006, sculpting 2007

When I was around 15 I remember reading in one of those glamour magazines that to be sexy you needed to simply think about sex as often as possible. What a laugh! How could I not think about sex? It was the forbidden fruit, as was the self-pleasure I practiced after reading the smut novels I snuck into my bedroom, yet everywhere I turned it flashed neon in my face. I'm not even quite sure how I remained a virgin until 20, with so much repressed sexuality threatening to tear me down. Over the years since then it has became clear to me that I need more than just the fleeting moments of sex to allow my sensual nature to surface. Thus, I've allowed it to surface in my art, my words and in turn, my being.

This has been especially important for me and my unhappy health in 2006. I look back and see how healing and encouraging sensuality has been for my journey towards self-acceptance. I feel just a little more comfortable in my skin.

Here's to 2007! Happy New Year!